Useful Tips

How to console a person: the right words


A person’s mood is changeable. At one point, you can enjoy life, soar and have fun, and at another, be sad, worry and be bored. Of course, when a change of mood occurs too often and abruptly, this may be an occasion to contact a therapist. But periodically this can happen to each of us, and friends are no exception. How I want them to always have funny faces! This, unfortunately, is impossible, but we will tell you how to cheer up a friend in a difficult moment for him.

What is the mood of?

In order to understand how to act in a given situation, you need to figure out what generally affects our mood. It can be described as the emotional background of our whole life, on which its various processes take place. It determines the general tone of existence, activity in life spheres depends on it. The reason for the mood is not always recognized by man, but it is always there. What things make a difference?

The mood of a person is very much dependent on the balance of hormones in his body. Serotonin, endorphin, oxytocin, estrogen with testosterone - all these molecules, moving through your blood, create joy and sadness, anxiety and calm, activity and passivity. If something is wrong with the hormonal sphere of a person, then he stably begins to experience problems with his own emotional background. For example, with a thyroid disease such as hypothyroidism, a significant decrease in mood is observed - up to depression.

Psychophysiologists have long proved that in the autumn and spring, many people experience mood swings, and often they are "stuck" at the negative pole, that is, in sadness. This is due to a lack of sunlight (especially in our latitudes), vitamins, and climatic features. There is even such a thing as seasonal depression - about ten percent of people around the world suffer from it.

The family is the rear on which we always rely. The climate prevailing in it largely determines how confidently we feel in other areas of life. You must admit that it is very difficult to work if you had a great fight with your husband the day before.

All the same applies to the professional sphere. Work for many of us acts as a source of money and a means of self-realization. Therefore, when we encounter difficulties on this front, several basic needs immediately suffer - the need for achievements and comfort. It is very difficult to be kind and affectionate with people when your project is on fire.

Exercise contributes to the production of endorphins. If a person is far from sports, like from any other physical activity, then it is likely that he will be more likely to encounter a feeling of sadness. This is partly due to the increased number of depressions among residents of large cities, who lead mainly a sedentary lifestyle.

The regular consumption of unhealthy foods leads to an imbalance of nutrients in the body, which, in turn, inevitably entails various diseases. It is not easy to enjoy life when your stomach hurts, your heart is “naughty”, and the liver sends signals of its failure. Although for many people, delicious food is a separate way to cheer yourself up.

Communication with other people

Whatever the introverts say, man is a social being. The experiments of “evil” psychologists showed: if a person is placed in a cell where there is no connection with the outside world, he will go crazy very quickly. That is why people who are in some kind of isolation behave so strangely and lose their ability to establish contact with others.

This factor, in principle, does not raise any questions. Hedgehog it is clear that if you are faced with some kind of life turmoil, you will have a bad mood until you overcome it. It happens that a person, in principle, has some personal problems of his own that prevent him from living and enjoy his life, for example, he is too self-centered or, on the contrary, helpful. Although there is such a class of people who feel in good shape, only being in a situation of emergency, but this also says a lot.

Make friend happy

So, all of the above factors affect both your mood and the mood of your friend. If he is sad, then there is a problem at one of these levels. Of course, you cannot arrange his life for a friend and forcefully do good. But something is completely up to you.

First, invite him to speak with you. Men rarely share their experiences with other men and with their girls, because they do not want to look weak and unfortunate. But the girlfriend is quite possible to open. It is possible that it will be enough for your friend to simply speak out - for men this is sometimes effective, because they keep everything in themselves, and this creates additional stress. It is important for someone that you are just nearby, listening, understanding him and expressing support and sympathy with all your appearance. If he feels bad and hard, you should be bad and hard too. If he wants to break everything and destroy it, then you will also have to break everything and destroy it. You can use some semblance of shock therapy and sharply switch your friend’s attention from him to yourself, asking for advice on any issue.

But that's all - a conversation of friends in the female sense of the word. Men talk about problems in order to find their solution. And in this you can also be useful: a woman’s view of the situation is radically different from a man’s, therefore, even if he has already discussed his sadness ten times with friends, you’ll still add something new. A non-standard vision of the situation, female intuition, sensitivity to emotions, wisdom and poise - all these things make us good counselors in a number of issues, especially in matters of the heart.

But you won’t be full of talk alone. If you cannot help your friend solve the problem, then change his attitude towards it. Sometimes this can be done by strengthening the positive aspects of the situation and finding its meaning. For example, after these trials of life, he will become an even stronger person. Or, having completed the project, he will receive a lot of money. There are always resource points in any problem - the main thing is to discern them. And for this you just need you, because your friend is inside the situation in a very depressed state and simply can not see its advantages.

It will be useful for a while to “pull” it out of pitch anguish. To do this, you need to distract from mental torment. What is your favorite way of spending time? Here and go! Offhand you can offer a night club, a bar, a restaurant, a game cafe, paintball or laser tag, a cinema, yoga classes - in the modern world there are many options for every taste and color, how to have fun and distract from sad thoughts at the same time. Your friend will be able to come to his senses and recharge with energy, and in the circle of people this is easiest to do.

One trip to an entertainment venue in difficult situations is not enough. Then you can surprise him and offer something that he had never done before. For example, a parachute jump or a dance class, a balloon ride or a circus show - choose something that sufficiently shakes it, but does not make it turn gray too soon. If suddenly he wants to sit at home and indulge in sad thoughts, you can cheat. Tell him your tickets are missing. Or that you need his help - it’s hard for a man to refuse a woman in such a situation, no matter how bad he is. Just don’t overdo it - it is possible that now is precisely the period when he needs to be alone and digest what is happening.

But do you have in your environment a “positive man”? This is such a special class of people in whose presence it is physically impossible to be sad. As there are energy vampires, there are those who flood all their life with their energy. They are always active and cheerful, they have a lot of fascinating stories and interesting activities in store - in general, you will not get bored and be sad. Find at least one such person and arrange a joint evening. Pleasure and good mood guaranteed!

It's no secret that the big always comes from little things. Even if a huge black cloud hangs over your friend’s life, this is not a reason to become isolated. Try to draw the attention of a friend to all the good that he has. If problems are at work, then everything should be fine in the family. If it is bad both there and there - well, he has wonderful friends. And to consolidate the result, pamper it with all sorts of pleasant things. Treat yourself with a delicious dinner - men just love it! Find some incredibly funny comedy and watch it with him. Buy him some nice and sweet little thing that he had long dreamed of, but it was not enough to get everything. Send twenty encouraging sms during the day. If he is lonely, send him for an erotic or just relaxing massage - this will relieve unnecessary stress.

Being close in difficult times is exactly why friends are needed at all. As a fighting friend, you simply must cheer up your friend and substitute a warm shoulder in the moments of crisis. At the same time, try to feel when your help is really needed, and when - superfluous. And do not forget: when you feel sad, your friend will also be there for sure.

4 stages of experiencing grief

A person experiencing grief goes through 4 stages:

  • Shock phase. Lasts from a few seconds to several weeks. It is characterized by disbelief in everything that happens, insensibility, low mobility with periods of hyperactivity, loss of appetite, and problems with sleep.
  • Phase of suffering. Lasts from 6 to 7 weeks. It is characterized by weakened attention, inability to concentrate, impaired memory, sleep. Also, a person experiences constant anxiety, a desire to retire, lethargy. Stomach pain and a sensation of a lump in the throat may occur. If a person experiences the death of a loved one, then during this period he can idealize the deceased or, on the contrary, feel anger, rage, irritation or guilt towards him.
  • Adoption phase ends a year after the loss of a loved one. It is characterized by the restoration of sleep and appetite, the ability to plan their activities taking into account the loss. Sometimes a person still continues to suffer, but seizures happen less and less.
  • Recovery phase begins a year and a half later, grief is replaced by sadness and a person begins to take a calmer attitude towards loss.

Do I need to console a person? Sure, yes. If the victim is not helped, then this can lead to infectious, heart diseases, alcoholism, accidents, and depression. Psychological help is priceless, so support your loved one as you can. Interact with him, communicate. Even if it seems to you that a person is not listening to you or does not show attention, do not worry. The time will come, and he will gratefully recall you.

Should unfamiliar people be comforted? If you feel enough moral strength and desire to help, do it. If a person does not push you away, does not run away, does not shout, it means that you are doing everything right. If you are not sure that you can comfort the victim, find someone who can do this.

Is there any difference in the comfort of acquaintances and unfamiliar people? In fact, no. The only difference is that one person you know more, the other less. Once again, if you feel the strength in yourself, then help. Stay close, talk, engage in common activities. Do not be greedy for help, it is never superfluous.

How to console a person: the right words

So, we will consider methods of psychological support in the two most difficult stages of experiencing grief.

Your behavior:

  • Do not leave a person alone with you.
  • Unobtrusively touch the victim. You can take it by the hand, put your hand on the shoulder, relatives can be stroked on the head, hug. Watch the reaction of the victim. Does it accept your touch, does it repel it? If it repels, do not force yourself, but do not leave.
  • Make sure that the comforted person rests more, does not forget about meals.
  • Engage the victim in uncomplicated activities, such as some kind of funeral arrangement work.
  • Listen actively. A person can say strange things, repeat, lose the thread of the story, now and then return to emotional experiences. Give up tips and tricks. Listen carefully, ask clarifying questions, talk about how you understand him. Help the victim simply speak out their feelings and pain - he will immediately feel better.

Your words:

  • Talk about the past tense.
  • If you know the deceased, tell us something good about him.

You can not say:

  • “One cannot recover from such a loss”, “Only time heals”, “You are strong, be strong”. These phrases can cause additional suffering to a person and increase his loneliness.
  • “To the whole will of God” (helps only deeply religious people), “Unleashed”, “He will be better there”, “Forget about it”. Such phrases can seriously injure the victim, because they sound like a hint to temper your feelings, not to experience them, or even forget about your grief.
  • "You are young, beautiful, you will still marry / give birth to a child." Such phrases can cause irritation. A person experiences a loss in the present; he has not yet recovered from it. And they offer him a dream.
  • “Now, if the ambulance arrived on time,” “Now, if the doctors paid more attention to her,” “Now, if I hadn’t let him go.” These phrases are empty and do not carry any good in themselves. Firstly, history does not tolerate the subjunctive mood, and secondly, such expressions only increase the bitterness of loss.

Phase of suffering

Your behavior:

  • In this phase, the victim can already be given the opportunity to be alone from time to time.
  • Give the victim more water. He should drink up to 2 liters per day.
  • Organize physical activity for him. For example, take him for a walk, do physical housework.
  • If the victim wants to cry, do not stop him from doing this. Help him cry. Do not hold back your emotions - cry with him.
  • If you are angry - do not bother.

1. “Testify” the interlocutor’s feelings

We all know how difficult it is to be in a situation where you need to console someone, but the right words are not found.

Fortunately, more often than not people do not expect specific advice from us. It is important for them to feel that someone understands them, that they are not alone. So first, just describe how you feel. For example, with the help of such phrases: “I know that it’s very difficult for you now”, “I’m sorry that you have such a hard time”. So you will make it clear that you really see what a loved one is right now.

2. Confirm that you understand these feelings.

We need not only to show what we know about the experiences of the interlocutor, but also to confirm that these experiences are also close and understandable to us. To do this, you can share your own experience.

But be careful, do not overtighten yourself, do not try to prove that you were even worse. Mention briefly that you also found yourself in a similar situation, and ask in more detail about the condition of the person you are comforting.

3. Help a loved one figure out a problem

Even if a person is looking for ways to resolve a difficult situation, at first he just needs to talk. This is especially true for women.

So wait for a solution and listen. This will help the one you comfort in understanding your feelings. After all, sometimes it is easier to understand your own experiences, telling others about them. Answering your questions, the interlocutor himself can find some solutions, understand that everything is not as bad as it seems, and just feel relief.

Here are a few phrases and questions that can be used in this case:

  • Tell me what happened.
  • Say what's bothering you.
  • What led to this?
  • Help me understand how you feel.
  • What scares you the most?

At the same time, try to avoid questions with the word "why," they are too similar to condemnation and only make the interlocutor angry.

4. Do not minimize the suffering of the interlocutor and do not try to make him laugh

When we face the tears of a loved one, we, quite naturally, want to amuse him or convince him that his problems are not so terrible. But what we ourselves think is a trifle can often upset others. Therefore, do not minimize the suffering of another person.

And if someone is really worried about a trifle? Ask if there is any data that diverges from his view of the situation. Then offer your opinion and share an alternative way out. It is very important to clarify whether they want to hear your opinion, without which it may seem too aggressive.

5. Offer physical support, if appropriate.

Иногда людям совсем не хочется разговаривать, им просто нужно ощутить, что рядом есть близкий человек. В таких случаях не всегда легко решить, как себя вести.

Ваши действия должны соответствовать обычному поведению с тем или иным человеком. Если вы не слишком близки, достаточно будет положить руку на плечо или слегка приобнять. Also look at the behavior of another person, perhaps he himself will make it clear what he needs.

Remember that you should not be too zealous when comforting a soul mate: a partner can take this for flirting and be offended.

6. Suggest solutions

If a person needs only your support, and not specific advice, the above steps may be enough. Having shared your experiences, your interlocutor will feel relieved.

Ask if you can do something else. If the conversation takes place in the evening, and most often it happens, suggest going to bed. As you know, the morning of the evening is wiser.

If your advice is needed, first ask if the person you are talking to has any ideas. Decisions are made more readily when they come from someone who himself is in a controversial situation. If the person you are comforting has a vague idea of ​​what can be done in his position, help develop concrete steps. If he does not know what to do at all, suggest your options.

If a person is not sad because of a specific event, but because he is depressed, immediately proceed to discuss specific actions that may help. Or offer to do something, for example, go for a walk together. Excessive thoughts will not only not help get rid of depression, but, on the contrary, will aggravate it.