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How exactly can you not behave if a man cheated on you?

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According to one study: 76% of men have at least one extramarital affair during their married life. Women have such an indicator - 21% (in Moscow - 26%). According to another study, 60.7% of husbands are unfaithful to their wives, 41% of wives are unfaithful to their husbands. However, when mentioning research, it should be understood that women often hide their infidelities during interviews than men.

Based on the above, the topic of infidelity of a permanent sexual partner or spouse is relevant for both men and women. However, for simplicity of presentation, I will continue to write about what a woman should do when her beloved cheated on her, bearing in mind that the same recommendations will suit men too.

Many of those who are faced with cheating partner begins to think on the following topics:

- Why did he cheat?

- What's wrong with me? (What have I done wrong?)

- How to forgive him? (How to live now?)

That is, all thoughts are directed at him and how to maintain relations with this partner. However, in this situation, when your partner has hurt you, your thoughts should be directed to the following: what do you feel now?

Most likely, in a situation of treason, you feel pain and anger - the pain of losing confidence in a man, the pain of losing your past relationship (after all, after the betrayal, your relationship will no longer be the same) and anger at him for what he did consciously.

And the first thing you need to do is not think about how to ask him - but allow yourself to live and cry the pain that you feel - and express the anger that you also feel - for example, breaking a pillow, imagining that this a pillow is your partner.

After you express this pain and anger - you will feel inside that you have been “released” and will be able to make a decision - but what do you do with the relationship: and at this moment it is important to decide for yourself:

1) Do you want to stay with this man: do you want him sexually, are you ready to open himself to him again - if so, then go to the next point, if not, then you should think about breaking up the relationship.

2) You need to accept for yourself: is it acceptable for you that your man is cheating on you: if this is not acceptable for you, then go to the next paragraph, if acceptable, then to paragraph 4.

3) If it is unacceptable for you that a man is cheating, then you need to agree with him that if he cheats on you again, then you are breaking up (and you should be ready to break up - if not ready, then go to point 4).

4) If you are not ready to leave in case of his next possible betrayal, or if you are ready for the man to change, then you need to agree with him about what rules he must adhere to: for example, so that he does so that you don’t they knew either that he should protect himself or make a vasectomy (so that there were no children on the side) - and so on - that is, you need to agree on the new boundaries of your marriage: mb you will be ready for free relations or you will be ready for the so-called “guest marriage”, because what rules will be in your br ke - only your mutual decision.

What definitely does not need to be done if he changed?

Ignore cheating. If the ostrich hides its head in the sand, the lion will still not disappear. Ignore is not the best way to solve problems.

Blackmail a man. “I will forbid you to see your children if you ...” Such statements are an atomic bomb that will destroy all life, including your relationship.

Blame yourself. If you have been cheated, it does not mean that you are bad. It's just that your man is not all right with a moral compass and self-regulation skills. What he did is his responsibility and choice. Family psychologist Gary Newman gives the following figures: 88% of husbands cheat with women who are no more attractive than their regular partners.

Shot from the movie "Proximity"

Communicate with a lover. This will not help. Only corrupts the wound. You can, of course, apply to a woman who has a chainsaw in one hand and a gun in the other, but the criminal code does not approve of such actions.

Take revenge. The principle of "an eye for an eye" will not add peace of mind (unless for five minutes), and it will not cure an insult.

Use what happened as an argument in disputes. It happens that ten years have passed, but the woman at every convenient, and often inconvenient, case recalls treason - they get a killer trump card to solve any problem. The goal is to arouse guilt in her husband and break resistance. Constructive in this zero. Forgive forever or leave - there is no middle ground here.

Ashley Madison dating site data showed that men aged 39 and 49 most often change. The upcoming anniversary inspires sad thoughts, and men want to prove to themselves that they are still about

What is considered treason?

If, as in a bad joke, you return ahead of time from a business trip and find a husband with a guilty face and a naked woman in bed, the diagnosis is clear. There was sex - cheating on the face. Although there are possible options. Bill Clinton, in the middle of the story with Monica Lewinsky, claimed that oral sex is not exactly sex. There are heroes who do not consider betrayal a drunken night: fell, woke up, is not responsible. Or another question: is secret porn viewing an infidelity or an innocent hobby?

And if intima in the traditional sense did not happen at all? But there were meetings, intimate conversations or correspondence in social networks? Why are you, dear, upset? I was dressed. And by the way, in the tie that you gave me. For such stories, there is the term “emotional betrayal,” when a person shares his thoughts, feelings, interests not with a partner, but with someone else. By the way, a recent study published in the journal Evolutionary Psychology showed that most women are more upset by emotional infidelity, and men are more upset by sexual infidelity.

So what is real cheating? The correct answer does not exist. You have the right to your own author's definition of this concept. And it is important to voice his partner "ashore." Let, for example, your beloved know that it will be uncomfortable for you if he starts flirting on Facebook with former classmates or drinking regularly at the bar with the same female colleague.

Shot from the movie “Another Woman”

Should I admit to treason?

This choice is rarely up to us. You open the man’s computer to google the recipe for the forshmak, and there the message: “I undressed, I'm waiting for you.” Or the same lady (who always strips inappropriately) will call herself and tell everything. Yet women are divided into two opposite camps. Some say: “I do not want to know anything. If he loves me, he will be able to hide everything. ” Others, for preventive purposes, rummage in the pockets, phone and laptop of a potential cheater. And again, there is no “right” approach. It is important to understand which position is closer to you and declare it to the man. It is not necessary to say directly: "If you go to the left, do everything so that I am not in the know."

The reason for the conversation may be a film or a story from the life of friends. A remark in the spirit: “Why did he admit if he didn’t intend to leave the family?” The phrase “I would prefer not to know the heroine’s place” will easily convey your opinion to the addressee.

According to a survey conducted by Rutgers University,
56% of unfaithful husbands say they are completely satisfied with their marriage and are not going to get divorced

Is it necessary to forgive treason?

This is the most important question that a woman who finds out about a betrayal of a loved one needs to deal with. Do not wait for an answer to come quickly. This can take weeks or even months, and the decision will change ten times a day. This is normal. Only you yourself will be able to understand how much this treason hurt you, whether you want to continue to be with this person and whether you can trust him again.

Many follow the position “I have to save my family at all costs for the sake of children” and remain with the traitor, so plainly and not forgiving him. Our expert believes: no one can say with absolute certainty that such a choice will really be right for the children themselves. We still cannot think for another person, even a small one. It is much more reliable to focus on your feelings. Better dad and mom will be happy alone than unhappy together. Often, as adults, children recall the parental divorce with relief: “The scandals have finally stopped.” Therefore, to save a family is only for its own sake.

The place of temptation for men most often becomes work. A University of Washington study found that 62% of husbands cheated on wives with colleagues they met at the office

2 reasons to leave after his betrayal

1 He does not want to do anything

That is, refuses to solve the problem that he himself created. Maybe he even tries to deny it: “You see, dear, men are polygamous in nature, we cannot be faithful to one woman alone. We need diversity, novelty, the joy of hunting ... ”Either you accept this position, or say“ goodbye ”. Another option is that a man rushes between two fires (i.e. women) and cannot make a decision. “My God, two love me at once, but I can’t make a choice. Poor me, miserable. Beloved ones, wait just a little while, and I will sort out my restless, suffering soul. ” This “little bit” can last for years, so it’s better to set the deadline: here’s a month (two, three, six months) for reflection, and then that’s it.

2 He transfers responsibility to a partner

Moreover, it comes down to direct accusations: I changed because you got fat / stopped monitoring yourself / not affectionate and attentive enough. And the other hit versions of the hit "it's your own fault." A skilled manipulator can wrap everything so that a woman dutifully takes upon herself the lion's share of guilt for what she did not. Our expert recalls that in a long-term relationship there will always be something missing. The question is how a person fills these gaps: relationships with friends, hobbies, sessions with a therapist or sex with another woman. In any case, this is his choice, and he must answer.

The Indiana University study cites the following figures: 23% of men and 19% of women admit that they cheated on their partners at least once

How to regain trust?

It collapses by one or two, and restoration work takes a lot of time. How can I accelerate this unfinished building? You need to understand that treason is a common problem and it will have to be solved together. The position "now you will crawl in front of me on my knees, pray for forgiveness and do everything that I say" is unlikely to help restore relations. It is important to hear each other. Openly, trying not to attack your husband, tell us how his infidelity hurt you. Speak in such a way that he does not go into a dull defense. Do not ask him for details. If you hear a report about where, when, and in what position, it definitely won’t become easier.

Perhaps you should ask the question “why?”, But be prepared for the fact that they will not tell you anything intelligible. “I fight because I fight!” - that’s the whole explanation. But if the husband is trying to analyze what exactly he lacked, think together how to fill in the gaps.

Shot from the film “What Hides the Lie”

A man seriously intending to maintain a relationship must understand that now he will have to become more “transparent." This means making calls, if delayed, spending more time at home (and less on the Internet), telling where and with whom is going. If he is not ready for such steps, then he hardly understands the seriousness of the situation. It’s strange if a week after the betrayal surfaced, the husband goes fishing with his friends for the whole weekend. But a woman should not go too far. You can’t deprive a person of the right to personal space, forbid him to meet friends or require passwords from mail and accounts on social networks.

To restore former closeness, psychologists advise more often to stay together and find a joint lesson. It’s good if it is body oriented, like dancing or pair yoga. But this is optional. Remember what you did at the beginning of the relationship: how you had fun, what you talked about, with whom you talked to. Try, as in the old days, to pay more attention to each other. It may turn out that you have nothing to talk about, and there are no common interests left. Well, in this case, it will be easier for you to decide on a breakup. And, whatever one may say, a negative result is also a result. And also important.

Why do men want sex

Women behave in a similar way for a number of reasons: they love this man, love his children, they like family life and the social status of a couple with children. In addition, they do not want to lose money - home and income. Women's self-esteem falls so low that it seems to them that no one will ever love them again. Some women begin to think that male extramarital affairs are a payment for a good home, income, and lifestyle.

In other words, a woman agrees to endure treason for the sake of receiving funds. But it can cost her dearly - both emotionally and physically. There are no guarantees that the husband will not leave the patient wife. I must say that men rarely break relationships, even when they are unhappy in them. They maintain a relationship simply because they do not receive the best deals. A casual connection can develop into romantic love or a long affection. And if a man decides that the new woman is much better than the old, he can leave the family.

A man decides to save his family, even after discovering that his wife is cheating on him, in the event that the romance remains a secret to others. The wife’s affair deeply harms male pride. But if everyone knows about it, he feels terrible. Reason tells him that in such a situation he cannot be confident in his own paternity. As we already said, if a man does not have a better option, he will most likely stay and try to save his family - unless the woman drives him out.

Life after discovering a novel can be harder than breaking up and starting a new relationship. Only a few find a way out of accumulated pain and aggression. People try to hide their pain and assure themselves that they thought everything. The object for a surge of pain and anger becomes the person who caused these emotions, that is, a partner, and not the one with whom he changed.

"In life, usually there are two possibilities: one can remain a bachelor and suffer from it, or one can marry and dream of death."

Those who begin to scandal the partner who has changed, suffer from humiliation. They are painfully hurt by the fact that they have dropped to the level of deceived lovers - they scandalize on the street, smash cars, throw stones at windows, post offensive blogs on the Internet or tear clothes to shreds.

It seems to some men and women that the only way out of the situation is to change it themselves, but such a game is fraught with sad consequences. Although at first you will feel better, this romance may end in a breakup, and you will again feel used and deceived. In addition, the novel in revenge makes a person the same deceiver as the partner who cheated on him.

LEAD YOURSELF CORRECTLY

A person prone to casual relationships is not suitable for marriage. If he wants to start a family or build a long-term relationship, he needs to take a fresh look at himself and his lifestyle. A partner of such a person is better to start all over again than to try to build a happy family with him. You do not seek to create a family with a killer or a scammer? So why do you need a serial cheater?

A person who has a long and long romance is forced to choose. The one who decides to maintain a relationship with an ever-changing partner has no future - only illness and depression. If the situation does not change, then it will have to pay a high emotional price.

The main problem for those who want to solve their problems and revive relationships is how to leave the sad wreckage of the wreck behind and build a harmonious relationship with a new partner.

HOW TO RESTORE AFTER CHANGE

  1. 1. Chat. Unless you talk to your partner about what happened, why, and how it happened, you will never move forward. Be honest and don't be afraid to ask, even if you don’t like the answer. Only these conversations can open both of you a door to the future.
  2. 2. Be honest. If you had an affair, admit that it was a mistake, and confirm your sincere readiness to save the relationship. The consequences may scare you, but recognition is more likely to allow you to maintain a relationship than if your partner does not learn about it from you. Remember that recognition is often the beginning of a restoration of an old relationship. This is a shock that makes people stop, take a fresh look at their life and change it for the better.
  3. 3. Do not blame each other for what you did or did not do. This is a negative approach that does not lead to anything good and does not solve the problems that caused the novel.
  4. 4. Do not make hasty decisions. The shock must pass with time. This will allow you to calmly and soberly assess the situation. In a week you will calm down and be able to make the right decisions about the future of your relationship.
  5. 5. Accept the period of grief. Habitual relationships are in the past and will never return. Attempts to pretend that nothing happened will not help you continue to treat your partner.
  6. 6. Если вы не можете рассказать об этом, напи­шите. Этот прием весьма эффективен для мужчин, которым трудно говорить о своих чувствах и страхах. Разговоры — не мужской конек. Не стоит вести бесконечные обсужде­ния произошедшего. Поставьте точку.
  7. 7. Составьте список. Вы и ваш партнер должны составить список того, что необходимо изме­нить и на что нужно обратить внимание, чтобы отношения нормализовались. It is surprising that the simplest and most understandable items appear in such lists. One can only guess why people did not understand these problems before the novel. Probably, serious things are simply lost in the everyday family routine.
  8. 8. Be kind to yourself. Get some rest. Forget what you can not do or do less often. After all, these activities prevent you from being together and give each other joy.
  9. 9. Work together on self-esteem. After the romance, marriage can only be saved if both parties truly regret what happened. Negative feelings should not overwhelm you. Try to come to positive conclusions. To get rid of guilt, you need to understand your role in what happened and forget about it, trying to make life together better.

FOUR LIFE STRATEGIES THAT WILL ALLOW NOT TO BE TRANSFERRED IN A DECEPTION

A partner should always remain your top priority. Relations in which for one or both partners the main priority is work, business or children, can lead to romance. Although all this is important, the partner should always remain the top priority.

You must have secrets unknown to others. Do not share personal or intimate details with strangers that were not discussed with your partner.

Communicate with each other every day. Partners who take time every day to share their thoughts and feelings with each other are less likely to change and feel more secure.

Avoid situations fraught with the emergence of a novel. Avoid circumstances in which you might be pulled to another person for a while. This does not mean that you have problems and you need to solve them. Just try not to get into such situations.

People who have long-term relationships are most afraid of partner infidelity. But when one of the partners is unhappy and can decide on a romance, it is easy to notice by numerous signals. Talk and discuss your feelings and fears with a partner, restore the relationship as it was at the very beginning. And then there will be no question of infidelity.

Novels rarely solve any problems - on the contrary, they always create new ones. The new man makes new demands. The greater your age difference, the more difficult the problems that arise. Most of those who decide on a romance confuse passion and excitement from the fear of being caught with a lover. A novel is a completely selfish pastime without thoughts about the realities of everyday life: who will wash the toilet, who will take the children to music school, who will throw out the trash. Even if a person marries the object of his illegal passion, the hormones that held them together in a year or two almost completely disappear. The excitement of novelty passes, and life again becomes as routine as before.

Caught in an extramarital affair after a divorce, they lose half of their social contacts, half, or even most of their funds. They have to be torn between new love and existing children, brothers, sisters, parents, former partners and work colleagues, and many may not accept their new partner.

A leading English organization studying human relations found that 50% of couples who broke up long-standing relationships later regretted this decision. The novel does not necessarily become the cause of the breakup, but is an alarming symptom of an existing problem that is not recognized by one or both partners. Male and female infidelity is a sign that relationships need to be changed in one way or another.

Communicating with a psychologist helps solve most of the problems that lead to novels.

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