A few years ago, scientists from the University of New York conducted a study proving that the so-called "chameleon effect" really works. 72 people performed the task together with strangers, half of whom, at the request of the researchers, copied the subjects' behavior, and the other half did not. As a result, the participants in the experiment, whose behavior was “mirrored”, reported that they liked their partners and would like to continue communicating with them.
So, using his “company” gestures and facial expressions in communication with the new boss, as well as repeating the pose, you can quickly achieve his location. The main thing is not to overdo it.
2. Try to catch your eye more often
According to a study by the University of Pittsburgh, we are prettier than the people we often see, even if they are not familiar to us. As part of the experiment, four girls, unknown to other students, attended classes at the university. Two came often, two rarely. Then the students were shown their photos and asked to rate. Those whom subjects regularly met in the classroom received higher scores.
Idea 1. Separate concepts
Inside each person, different ideas about relationships with other people live. One of these ideas may sound like this: "The more you do for others, the more they will love you." Being held captive by this installation, a person, for example, bakes pies all night to treat their relatives in the morning. He thinks that this is how he can win the favor of loved ones. But at the same time he forgets that pies and a baker are two different things. Pies can be to your taste, but this does not mean that a baker must necessarily win the sympathy of eaters.
To begin to please people, it is important to separate the concept of love from others from the need to do something all the time for others. It is then that there will be an opportunity to see what your loved ones really need. For example, when you are tired, it makes sense to relax, rather than stand by the stove. After all, your relatives do not need sacrifices, they need a harmony in the family, which is impossible if someone from the household suffers from constant fatigue.
Idea 2. Stop Proving
The task of being liked by others can turn into an obsession. Most often this is due to the ideas received in childhood. Parents often lay such an attitude: “If people like you, they will pay attention to you, they will be friends with you and will give different benefits.” Unconsciously, a person remains in this model of behavior and devotes his life to making people like him. It turns out that he is trying to make others fall in love with something that he himself does not like, as if packing “uninteresting” goods in a beautiful box.
In fact, in order to please others, it is important to stop proving to others that you are a good person. This will help stop fussing. Fussy people cause only irritation. A calm person is much more interesting to others.
Idea 3. Love yourself.
We are taught from childhood to look at ourselves through the prism of someone else's perception. For example, a child does not want to give her toy to other children, but my mother says: “How greedy you are! Be good, give your car to Pete. ”
Mom is a very authoritative figure whom the child believes. In order not to lose its location, he gives his toy to strangers.
As a result, he learns to see himself through the eyes of others. In this case, through the eyes of a mother and other children who call him greedy. In addition, the baby is born the belief that a good person is someone who does not consider his desires. With this feeling, the child grows up and continues to force himself, abandoning his aspirations in favor of other people and falling into dependence on someone else's opinion of himself.
To get out of this state, it is important to shift the focus from what others have to say about you and begin to get to know yourself.
To do this, you need to learn to see and develop your strengths.
The following exercises can help you with this.
Stand in front of the mirror, imagine that you are seeing yourself for the first time. Think about what you like about your reflection. Write it down. Answer your question: “How can I emphasize my attractive features?” For example, you have beautiful eyes. So you can focus on them in makeup. Or you have graceful hands. So, you can look after them more carefully or choose clothes that emphasize their beauty.
Now make a list of your good qualities of character and useful skills and think about how best to manifest them. For example, you have a great sense of humor, which means you need to give yourself the opportunity to joke more often. Or you cook well. So, you can learn new recipes or go to a culinary master class to improve your skills.
Don't cross your arms
Many feel more comfortable crossing their arms over their chests. But others can take this for a rude gesture and unwillingness to communicate. Try to keep your hands down, and palms point towards the interlocutor, which will demonstrate openness and positive.
Idea 4. Stop criticizing yourself
Few people are pleased to communicate with a person who is always dissatisfied with himself. At the same time, many do not even notice that they constantly scold themselves. Sometimes it seems that listing their shortcomings helps to fix them. In fact, you only hurt yourself and interfere with your forward movement. No need to do self-flagellation. This will not fix the qualities that do not suit you. Try to understand what exactly you are unhappy with yourself. Then figure out how you can improve certain character traits or what you need to learn to do this. Often this is possible only with the help of a psychologist.
Idea 5. Become interesting to yourself
While you are not interested in yourself, you are unlikely to interest others. To make a difference, it’s important to understand how exciting it is. Make a list of such things. See what you can start implementing now. If nothing, then you are artificially depriving yourself of the opportunity to develop. It’s worth revising the list so that things real for you appear in it. And such definitely exist.
Idea 6. Learn to take care of yourself
We are taught from childhood that we should take care of anyone, but not of ourselves. For example, at school, teachers are encouraged not to go to the toilet until breaks so as not to distract other students. And at home, mom refuses to feed dinner until the whole family gathers at the table.
Often this leads to the fact that a person ignores his needs all his life. But if he is not used to taking care of himself, he will not be able to adequately ask for help from others. And then he will certainly present them with a claim that he was left face to face with the problem.
Therefore, it is important to learn to take care of yourself. Make a habit of constantly evaluating your condition and determining what you need. This should be shown even in small things. For example, knowing that your hands are dry, do not forget to carry a moisturizer with you. The well-groomed garden is much more attractive than the overgrown with weeds. So a person who knows how to take care of himself is much more attractive to others than someone who does not.
Idea 7. Quit the role of the victim
Often, even very interesting people do not want to recognize their attractiveness, but only criticize themselves. This is due to the fact that they can get the support of others in this way only. By devaluing themselves, they attract the attention of loved ones who will praise them and deny their shortcomings. For the sake of this attention, many are ready to give up their own values, beauty, confidence and other important qualities. But after some time, those who praised the person will accumulate irritation. That is why it is necessary to change this model of relationships. This will help the psychologist.
3. Give compliments
In the Project Happiness book, attorney Gretchen Rubin writes: “Everything you say about other people affects how others see you.” This scientifically proven phenomenon is called the spontaneous transfer of qualities. People associate the compliments you tell others with your own character. This phenomenon works and vice versa: if you constantly speak negatively about others, you begin to attribute negative traits to you.
4. Radiate positive
According to Ohio University research, people unknowingly capture the emotions of others. In other words, the mood of the interlocutor is always transmitted to us. Want to make a good impression? Show a positive attitude.
5. Be friendly and competent.
We like it when professionals are pleasant and open in communication. Harvard psychologist Amy Cuddy argues that in business, it’s better to first show friendliness and openness, and then show competence on an important issue. Then people first trust you, and then respect you. According to Amy Cuddy, “this has been inherent in us since ancient times, when the most important thing for survival was to gain the confidence of relatives”.
6. Do not strive to be perfect
Eliot Aranson from the University of Texas proved that our oversights improve the opinions of others about us, and ideal people scare them with their inaccessibility. During the experiment, students listened to a quiz recording. The participant who answered the questions correctly, and in the end accidentally spilled coffee, won more sympathy than the one who held impeccably and did not make a single mistake.
7. Focus on common views.
According to a study by Theodore Newcomb, people find those who look like them more attractive. This is called the similarity attraction effect. We are pleased when someone shares our political views or musical taste. You are more likely to make friends with the person with whom you root for one football club. However, it is also noteworthy that, according to scientists at the University of Virginia, we like people who, like us, are very negative about something.
8. Touch accidentally
With this psychological trick you need to be careful: the touch should be light, unobtrusive and barely noticeable. It is proved that it affects the interlocutor at a subconscious level and makes him feel warm in you. Scientists at the University of Mississippi found that waiters who were in the process of serving restaurant customers received more tips.
10. Think of the person as he wants to.
Everyone is pleased when their opinion of themselves coincides with the vision of others. Specialists at Stanford University conducted a series of experiments on this topic. Participants with adequate and low self-esteem communicated with strangers. The subject of the conversation was the personality of the subjects.
As a result, people with positive self-perception expressed a desire to be friends with those who praised them. And participants with low self-esteem preferred the critics. Scientists attribute this to the fact that we always want to get predictable feedback.
11. Share a secret
Self-disclosure strategy is the simplest and most effective technique for building relationships. Of course, you don’t need to immediately open your soul to a stranger. First, discuss the news, the latest movie news, then tell something about yourself, and only then tell something personal. This will create a feeling of closeness, and it will be easier for the interlocutor to trust you in the future.
12. Let me tell you about myself
According to experiments at Harvard University, talking about loved ones brings us no less pleasure than food, money and sex. Let the interlocutor tell something about yourself and use the tactics of active listening: nod, assent, clarify details. So he will have the most pleasant memories of the conversation.
15. Be open to communication
According to psychologist Jim Taylor, emotional openness can explain why a person looks attractive in the eyes of others. Of course, such behavior can be risky, because it makes us vulnerable: it is never clear whether you can trust the other person. But sometimes this risk can be justified.
16. Pretend that you like the person you are talking to.
When you think that a person is located towards you, you start to like him. This is how the phenomenon of mutual sympathy works. Moreover, when we assume that a person should treat us well, we behave more openly towards him in advance. So we unknowingly increase the chances of making a favorable impression. If you are not sure how the person you are talking to, pretend you like him. Maybe he will begin to sympathize with you.
Know how to shut up in time
Conversation must always be maintained. However, some people support him by force, inserting huge stories from life after every third word of the interlocutor. It is too annoying and repulsive. It is better to ask the right questions and give short comments, rather than telling 5 stories 2 times more than the only one that the interlocutor is trying to share.
This is what everyone should understand. You need to be yourself. Anytime and anywhere. The attractiveness of such people is much higher than those who are always trying to match any image. Even if a person who shows himself not real finds new friends, then soon he has to show himself that can be accepted by others extremely negatively and without understanding.
To be attractive in the eyes of others is much easier than you think. One has only to try and make a little effort, how things will change.