Even a trusting relationship between children and parents does not always imply a discussion of such intimate issues.
Firstly, adolescents are shy, despite the fact that they can sometimes dare everyone around. And secondly, for sure you do not approve of sex until the age of 18, and your child knows this very well. But be that as it may, modern teens often begin sex life before graduation.
We will not listen to those who say “the intimate life of a teenager is none of your business!”, Because you are responsible for your minor child. Therefore, it is not surprising that you would like to know about it.
So, your teenager knows firsthand what sex is, if he ...
Searches for thematic information on the Internet
If your child’s trust is dear to you, then very, very carefully check the history of the pages he visited on the Internet.
And if your teenager was looking for answers to piquant specific questions (those that do not wander into my head because of idle interest), then the boy or girl probably already has sexual experience or is planning in the near future.
Of course, modern children have long since learned to erase the “traces” of the viewing history.
About feelings, condoms or infections? How to talk with a teenager about sex
It is important to start talking about sex before the boy becomes a teenager. Until that moment, he can still speak openly with you and listen to you. But if your son is already a teenager, and he made it clear to you that he is not going to discuss girls and sex with you, do not worry. You can do something to deal with this situation.
Whenever I talk about sex with teen groups (usually mixed) then always mentioned feelings. I always asked the guys if they like to have sex and what they feel after. Every time I asked a similar question, boys and girls of all ages became very attentive.
Usually older boys choose places in the back of the audience, and when I talk about what a young man can feel if a sexual experience is unsuccessful, they crawl to the edge of the chair. I talk about the “binding” hormones that are released during sex by both boys and girls, and how these hormones change the relationship between sexual partners. I also explain to the boys why they can feel bad if they change too many partners.
I discover the origins of depression for them and show how promiscuous sexual intercourse can lead to depression in a young person. When I tell all this, I see how they catch my every word. Many young people first hear such talk about sex and feelings.
As a rule, at the end of the conversation, several guys come up to me and say that no one had previously discussed the feelings that accompany sex. I see relief on their faces that, at last, an adult considers them as thinking and feeling people. They deeply experience sex, they want romance, and they care about what they do.
Quickly start a sexual life - or be able to control yourself?
Imagine you are a seventeen year old man. You have good grades and normal relations with your family. After school, you go to training, then home, there is dinner and lessons. But before you take the lessons, you decide to quickly walk around your favorite game, and then get down to business. You turn on the music on your iPod. A video game consists of shooting enemies and saving women, usually busty and scantily clad. The words of the song sound in your ears: "You are sexy and know about it." Fifteen minutes later, you still start homework.
A math teacher constantly says that you will succeed if you study hard. You believe her. The trainer says the same thing. Parents let you go on weekends, they trust you and call you a good boy. And they have reason to trust: you do not smoke and prefer sobriety, so as not to worry mom.
In all life situations, adults say that you can be responsible for your actions. Adults trust you, and this helps you to believe in yourself. But when it comes to sex, what do you hear? Pop culture shouts loudly that sex is great. What do adults say? What do they expect from you - abstinence or normal sex life?
Alas, most adults are sure that you can't control yourself in sexbecause "all boys want sex," sexual desires "should overwhelm the boy." So, you are considered able to control all areas of life, except for sex. Do you like it?
Think about what your husband, brother or other acquaintance of a man would be like if your mother taught them to think well from an early age before engaging in sexual relations. How many of your friends survived the suffering because their husbands could not control their sexual desires, both before marriage and after?
What you need to understand and convey to your son in a conversation about sex
The first one. In order for the boy to be able to develop physiologically into a healthy man, he needs to switch from dependent to independent state. This is a very important transition: the boy learns to self-control - not just over some areas of his life, but over all its spheres. If the boy is told that one of the most important aspects - sexuality - is beyond his will, his physiological development will be complicated.
Do not talk to your son as if sexual life is a fait accompli, and he’d better always have fifteen condoms in his pocket. You are discussing his decision - whether to begin sex life, so you need to emphasize that your son can control himself. Let him know that sexual sensations are very pleasant, but they should not guide his life.
The second one. It seems to many boys that they have no choice and need start sex life quickly. Previously, boys were taught that they have a choice - whether to have sex with a girl, and if not, then this is their right. Today, many teenagers are sure that to confirm masculinity it is necessary to begin sex life as soon as possible. Whether the experience will be good or bad does not matter. It is important to complete the action.
I will share with you a secret that I learned from the boys. Many of them believe that the best sexual experience can be obtained up to 25 years. Teenagers think that after this age it is impossible to get amazing sensations. Therefore, I convince all my patients of their sexual longevity. It gives them hope.
You can teach him to resist the influence of the social environment, which pushes him to the narrow path of following his sexual desires. If you tell your son about all the risks, but let him know that he will not necessarily face them, the teenager will be more willing to take your words.
Adolescents and Sex: Research Evidence
Studies show that adolescents who freely discuss sex with their parents more often postpone their "sexual debut" and are less likely to change their sexual partners afterwards. Why is it important?
Here are the data provided by the Center for Disease Prevention and Control.
- In the United States, 20 million people first become infected with sexually transmitted diseases every year.
- Half of these Americans are young people between 15 and 24 years old. This amount is 25% of the total sexually active population. The number of infected young people is disproportionately high.
- Young people from 15 to 24 years old are five times more likely to become carriers of chlamydia.
- Men get syphilis 5.6 times more often than women.
- The second place in the incidence of gonorrhea is occupied by young men 15-19 years old.
- Every year, 6 million people in the United States become infected with genital herpes.
From a medical point of view, the longer he puts off his first sexual experience, the less likely it is to contract sexually transmitted diseases. It is known that adolescents who first have sex after 16 years have fewer partners throughout their lives, which also reduces the risk of infection. Therefore, if we talk about the prevention of sexually transmitted diseases, the most important thing is to begin sexual activity as soon as possible and change partners as rarely as possible.
Naturally, your son may decide that he should have sex. However, the thought-provoking information you give him may affect his decision.